i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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