if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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