Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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