I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
