Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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