I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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