he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
