Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I currently don't understand fingers.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize