He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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