i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
