Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
