she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't turn off my feet"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
