Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i came on her dog
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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