dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
