chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
