3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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