I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
