a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
