I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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