I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
