I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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