need another drink. this is the easiest way
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
