..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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