I am in a vortex of obligation.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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