We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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