even my farts smell like vagina
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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