somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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