if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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