Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
