my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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