apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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