I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
where are you?
Hypothermia
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
