I think I won the penis lottery.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
