I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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