Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
