I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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