did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
