Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
