if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
