New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
