I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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