You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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