i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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