Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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