There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
