oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
