i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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