from now on my penis is your penis
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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