So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
