I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
