i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
