I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
