I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
